i feel so much guilt for making you carry all of my emotional baggage around with you. we were in such a good place and i fucked it all up because of my fucking insecurities. this is all my fault. we had something perfect going for us. i had someone who cared about me in a healthy way. and i hurt him, which in the process hurt me in ways i can’t even explain. he pushed me away and i wanted so badly to hold on. i shouldn’t even blame him for seeking affection from other people. other people that are healthier for him than i am. and that deserve him more than i ever will. but i am so selfish that all i want is for him to forget about everything, and give me the forgiveness that i in no way deserve, so i can be with him and be happy again. my fucking emotional issues got in the fucking way of everything again. we just keep on hurting each other. but what hurts more than him hooking up with 4 people while we were exclusive is him becoming emotionally attached to other people, not to mention my best friend. i can deal with hook ups, but i can’t deal with the idea of him falling in love with someone else. and i keep on going back and forth between saying fuck it, none of this was worth anything anyway, just move on from me and save yourself, and begging him to stay. and promising him that i will be better. and that i will completely devote myself to him in every way and not let my emotional issues get in the way. because i would be willing to do that. i would. i want it more than anything. but i’ve hurt him too much; how am i supposed to expect him to give me another chance? i don’t care if he’s hurt me, which undoubtedly, he has. but i brought all of it upon myself, and i deserve every part. i just want to be with him and be happy with him and know that he likes me. and not doubt him or myself or anything. he keeps on saying that i have to love myself before i can love others. but how am i supposed to love myself if you dont? you’re telling me that i don’t deserve your love, so why would i deserve my own. i want you to love me because im selfish. but i don’t want you to love me because i care too much about you, and nothing good could ever come from loving me. but i want to believe that something could. do i love you? im not sure what love is. but im afraid i do.
You’ll regret not kissing her a lot more than you’ll regret kissing her.
I’m sorry I gave you everything I had without making sure you wanted it.